I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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