remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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