Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
