Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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