No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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