My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
