so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
