You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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