I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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