He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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