i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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