I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
