So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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