I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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