I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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