if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
