Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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