Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
