Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
