I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
