I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
