i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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