i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
