When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
