At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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