a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
