Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
