dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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