I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
