All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
