DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize