Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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