You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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