My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize