Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
