i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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