She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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