god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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