based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
