I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
