My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
