Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize