Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
