DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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