please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
