you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
