please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
