Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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