I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
