dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
