I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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