I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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