My nipple is on Facebook.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
