I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
