He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
