I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
