Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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