bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize