The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
