some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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